I'm Gonna Love You Anyway
by pitch-playbook
Summary: Beca and Jesse have been dating for a while but lately Jesse has been different, a little distant and not his usual, upbeat self. Beca is concerned, and in her quest for information learns some secrets about Jesse's past that she's not sure she can handle.


**Disclaimer: The following is a work of fan-fiction. I claim no ownership over the characters therein. No copyright infringement intended.**

_A/N: This story is based on a prompt from Tumblr user itwasyounme. The prompt gives away the whole story though, so I won't post it. I don't write a lot of Beca/Jesse but I really liked the prompt so I hope you guys will enjoy it. It's got a bit of angst, but there's some sunshine in there too. As always reviews and feedback are greatly appreciated; especially when I'm writing something I'm not used to. _

Beca sat flipping through her notes, she was supposed to be studying but she was surprisingly distracted by the movie Jesse had left on when he went to class. She had opted to stay in his dorm and hang out for the afternoon, her own being a rather unpleasant environment more often than not. She no longer roomed with Kimmy-Jin, but the Asian girl had been a positive ray of sunshine compared to her new roommate. Jen was the type of Jesus freak Beca usually tried to actively avoid, she wasn't sure how many more "informative" pamphlets she could handle finding on her pillow. After finding Beca and Jesse making out one afternoon after Bible study the girl had left multiple tracts about sex, birth control and hell; at least those were the big bold words on the front. Her roommates' antics meant Beca spent most of her time in Jesse's dorm, not that she minded. He always had snacks, and he still roomed with Benji who she was never concerned about spraying her with holy water. Not to mention it was a lot easier to cuddle with your cute boyfriend when he was actually next to you.

It was an hour later when Jesse finally walked back through the door to his room.

"Hey nerd," Beca quipped as her boyfriend stepped over the threshold.

"Hey," Jesse said, walking over to join his girlfriend. He gave the brunette a peck on the lips before sitting down next to her.

"I think your mom has been trying to call you," Beca started, before being interrupted by her boyfriend.

"You didn't go through my phone did you?" He asked nervously.

"No. You left it on the desk, her name shows up on the caller ID. Why so suspicious? Trying to hide those text messages from your other girlfriends?" she stuck out her tongue.

"Sorry, I just, I thought I had the phone on me," Jesse mumbled, "but you know you're the only girl for me." Jesse wrapped an arm around Beca and received a sweet kiss on the cheek in return.

It was odd really, Beca had discovered soon after they started dating that Jesse was a very private person. He had talked so much about her always shutting people out, and having walls but she found he wasn't much different. She had eventually opened up to him about her past, her parent's divorce and how hard she took it. They talked for hours about her childhood, and about her future, her hopes and dreams. In all that time though, in the six months they had been dating Jesse had yet to open up to her. She didn't really know anything about his family or his past but she didn't push it. She had known why she kept her walls up, she figured he had his reasons too. Still though, Beca hoped that the boyfriend she had really come to adore would eventually share his secrets with her. She cared about him and wanted to know him in every way possible. For now though, she settled for talking about movies, music, a capella, and their future together because while he may not talk about his past, he was certainly open to discussing the future.

"So, are you hungry? How would like to go on a dinner date tonight?" Jesse asked, breaking the somewhat awkward silence.

"Starved, do you happen to know anyone who might like to take me out? I kind of have a thing for cute brunettes."

They walked out of the dorm room hand in hand and into the warm afternoon sun that blanketed the Barden campus. Everything was just so lovely in Autumn Beca thought, it was nice to just talk a walk and enjoy the season. Their favourite diner was just off campus, and Beca assumed they would be going there. They had shared many a dinner date at this place. It wasn't particularly nice or fancy in any way, but the food was great and it suited their broke college student budgets. It was particularly special to them as it had been the place they shared their first date. After Beca kissed Jesse after the ICAA finals, they decided to go out on a real date and see where things went from there. She learned that when she let him in, she was a lot happier and she liked it. She now had some really great friends in the Bellas, and a boyfriend who was sweet, cute, treated her well and if she was being honest, was an awesome kisser. They had just started their second year at Barden, and Beca was glad she stayed instead of flitting off to L.A. After everything that went down last year, she realized Barden was the right place for her, at least for now.

As the weeks go on Jesse and Beca both get busy with practices for their respective a capella groups, and have less time to see each other. Still though, Beca always tries to make time to see Jesse, as does he for her. She stops by his dorm room on all her breaks, bringing him coffee or another box of microwave popcorn but usually just to talk. Beca has spent so much time with Jesse over the last 7 months that she notices when he starts to act differently. He grows distant, sometimes even ignoring her calls and texts and when they are together, it's almost as if he's ignoring her. Usually Jesse was more than happy to listen to Beca yap through an entire movie, but these days it was as if he could focus on nothing but the movie. She chalked it up to him being busy and overwhelmed, of course his mind would be on other things seeing as he had to run the Treblemakers and keep up with this studies. Still though, she was concerned about him and any attempts to get him to talk about it were rebuffed. She wanted to know what was going on in that mind of his, and to help him if he needed it. He had really helped Beca to open up, and she wanted to help him do the same.

It was the middle of Monday afternoon the next time she stopped by his dorm, she was there purposely at a time when she knew her boyfriend had class. Sure enough when she knocked on the door it was Benji who answered. Benji and Beca had become good friends when she started dating Jesse, and he was after all the hero for the Bellas' last year. If it weren't for Benji going to the ICAA with his information, the Bellas never would have been allowed back into the competition and wouldn't have won. Things would be a lot different for Beca if it weren't for Benji, and she was forever grateful to him for that. He was also a great friend to Jesse which she appreciated. When they first met Jesse couldn't stop talking to Beca about all the fun he and Benji had had the year prior and how close they had become. Beca always joked with them that it was the ultimate nerd bromance.

"Hey Beca," Benji smiled when he saw who was at his door, "Jesse isn't here right now, but we can totally hang out if you want."

"Actually I am here to see you Benji, prepare to have your butt whipped in whatever Star Wars game you have in your XBOX."

Benji and Beca just laughed as he led her into the dorm. It wasn't often that they hung out solo but a few times when Jesse had class he had taught Beca how to play video games. She said she wasn't really into them, but all of the sudden got really competitive once the controller was in her hands. Beca sat down on Benji's bed and smiled when he offered her a soda, and some chips; hanging out with Benji always gave her a much needed break from popcorn. She loved Jesse; she wasn't nearly as fond of his favourite snack.

After an hour or so Beca finally worked up the nerve to ask Benji what she had come there to ask.

"Benji," she started, "do you know anything about Jesse's past, like his family, his background, whatever?"

The curly haired Trebled hesitated a bit before answering, as Jesse's closet friend he had been privy to a lot of the details of Jesse's past. He had assumed Beca as his girlfriend was too, but now he was less sure about that hunch.

"Why do you ask Becs?"

"He's just never told me anything about it really. I thought that when I opened up to him he would do the same, but he didn't. Whenever I ask about it, he changes the subject. He's also been acting weird lately, distant, and without explanation. He's says he's fine and that we're fine, but he's just been so off. I don't know if I did something wrong, or if he's got something going on at home or what's wrong," Beca confided in her friend.

Benji took a deep breath, "its really not my story to tell, but I can see that you're just worried about him."

Benji then began to fill the brunette in on her boyfriend's background. He told her all about the bullying Jesse suffered all through his years at school. About how he was beaten up by his male peers, and was the target of relentless name calling by his classmates. It really took a toll on him, as it would anyone Beca figured. She could barely hold back the tears that were forming in her eyes as Benji finished up. Her heart was hurting for the boy she cared so much about, why hadn't he told her any of this. She would have understood, she would have hugged him, and told him what a bunch of assholes those kids were. She wanted to know this type of stuff about him; she wanted to understand him the way that he now understood her.

There was more Benji told her as she wiped at the corners of her eyes. After high school he decided that he had had enough. He decided to go to college away from his hometown, away from every kid who had made his life a living hell. He decided to change his life completely. He was going to be more confident, he was going to stand up for himself. He was going to be a different Jesse, a Jesse who didn't let anyone push him around or call him names. He decided on Barden, where he could major in something he was interested in, where he knew nobody, and where he could join an a capella group and hopefully make some new friends. Jesse had always loved music, and loved to sing; just one of the many things his peers used to enjoy bullying him about. At Barden though, it was at least somewhat cool to sing and the Treblemakers were popular. People loved their singing, and the thought of anyone actually enjoying his passion for music was very appealing to Jesse. Bumper he had soon discovered was a bit of a self-righteous ass, but nothing compared to the kids from school. Barden had allowed Jesse to get away from everything that sucked about life and start fresh and right now, he had a life he loved.

When Benji had finished talking Beca wasn't sure what to do. She wanted to talk to Jesse and see what was going on with him now, but she didn't want to upset him. He had reasons for not wanting to get close to people and let them him. She had to decide on a course of action soon though as Jesse would be back from class, and they had plans to go to a movie that night. One of his favourite directors had a new film out and Beca promised him she would see it with him. It was a few minutes later when Jesse finally made his way back to his room.

"Oh, Beca, you're here already. You're not two-timing me with Benji here are you?" her boyfriend joked, smiling. He made his way over to where she sat and kissed her sweetly on the lips.

"Good afternoon to you too my love," she smiled, returning the kiss. She got up so Jesse could sit down and took a seat on his lap. She watched as he took over in the game for her, she was more competitive but he was much better than both her and Benji at virtually every game. The movie would be starting soon and they needed to get going. The couple said their goodbyes to Benji and made their way out to the parking lot, searching for Jesse's blue Honda.

Once they were in the car Beca decided to ask him again what was going on with him. She didn't know exactly how to broach the subject of her discussion with Benji without it seeming like she had invaded his privacy.

"Jesse, babe, I was just wondering if everything is going okay? You've just been off lately and I'm concerned, that's all."

"Beca I'm fine, I've just been busy that's all," he assured her.

"Are you sure that's all it is? You've been kind of distant, and I know you've been ignoring my calls. Half the time I feel like I'm talking to a wall, because you're just not listening. You never talk to me; I just want to know what's going on with you. I care about you, you know that right?" She was pleading with her boyfriend now; she just wanted him to feel he could be honest with her.

Jesse pulled into the parking lot of the theater and turned off the car. He sat for a moment, just staring at Beca.

"I'm sorry, I just, I have a lot on my mind. I've been distracted; I didn't mean to ignore you. I promise to try and be more attentive, I know you don't enjoy talking to hear the sound of your own voice," he teased, causing a smile to break out on Beca's face.

It was in this moment that she decided she had to tell him, she had to be honest about everything Benji had told her. Keeping from him that she knew all about his past was wrong.

"Jesse, I talked to Benji. I asked him if he knew anything about your past. He told me everything about the bullying, and all the changes you've made in your life in the last few years. I didn't know that's what it was, and I didn't mean to pry. I was just worried about and you have never opened up to me."

Tears began streaming down Jesse's face; Beca was suddenly at a loss for anymore words. Was he upset that she knew or had she just brought up a lot of bad memories he didn't want to think about. Either way he was clearly distraught. Beca put her hands on his face, kissing him repeatedly. She let her arms settle around his shoulders and she held him.

"Jesse, baby, its okay, and you can talk to me okay. I'm here for you," she assured him with a whisper.

"No Beca, its not okay," he shot back angrily.

"Jesse…I'm…I'm sorry I asked…I shouldn't have asked Benji anything. I'm sorry."

"No Beca, it's not you. It's me. I'm an idiot."

"Jesse, no, you're not. I'm sorry for everything you went through, but you're not, you're a great guy."

"I'm not Beca, I'm really, really not."

Jesse was inconsolable at this point, so Beca just continued to hold him. She had no idea what he was talking about, but she assumed he was just beating himself up for no reason. Jesse was in no shape to go to the movie, but Beca did talk him into grabbing a bite to eat at their diner. She figured if he got some food in him and could just calm down he'd be okay, and maybe he'd even talk to her.

They sat at their usual table and Beca ordered them two iced teas. Jesse just sat with his head in his hands. She tried her best to get him out of his funk, even to the point of trying to tickle him but nothing would work.

When their food arrived Jesse finally looked up at her, his eyes swollen and red.

"Jesse, please tell me what has you all riled up. I'm your girlfriend, I care about, I love you and I want to know what the hell is going on with you," Beca pleaded with him.

It was the first time she had said those words to him, and she wished it had been more romantic but it was the truth. She loved Jesse, he meant the world to her and she hated to see him like this. She just wanted him to open up to her the way he had gotten her to open up. She wanted to help him.

"Beca, I'm so so sorry," he started, "I just…I don't know what I was thinking."

Jesse was being so cryptic, and it was frustrating. What the hell was he sorry about; he didn't do anything to her.

It was a few more minutes before he spoke again. "Beca, I…I didn't know when I met you that I would fall for you. I didn't know I would love you so much. I just…I wanted someone else to hurt as much as I had. I just wanted revenge and…oh it was so stupid."

She still had no idea what he was talking about, he sounded hysterical and out of sorts.

"Jesse," she said, putting her hands on his cheeks, "explain what you're talking about. Please."

Across the table Jesse took a deep breath. "Beca please remember that you just said you love me when I tell you this."

She nodded, and he started to explain.

"When I came to Barden I told myself I was going to be confident, I was going to be completely different from that scared little kid who got bullied. I was going to be happy, and I was going to get revenge. I was going to make someone else hurt as much as I did. When I saw you girls, the Bellas, you reminded me of all those awful girls in school. You reminded me of girls who were mean and awful to me; the ones who laughed at me if I ever got up the courage to ask one of them to a dance. It was stupid and awful but I decided I would date one of you, really make you like me and then break your heart. I was going to hurt a girl the way I had been hurt. As confident as I pretended to be I was, I am, still so insecure; so afraid of being hurt. Not to mention immature, and it was just so awful, I can't even believe I thought it was okay for me to do that."

As he finished speaking a wave of realization washed over Beca, followed immediately by anger. Jesse was talking about her. He only started dating her so he could break up with her, so he could break her heart. He wanted so badly for someone else to hurt, for her to hurt. She trusted him, and opened up to him yet she knew nothing about him.

Beca picked up her bag and stalked out of the restaurant without a word. No angry yelling, no how could you; there was nothing she wanted to say to him. He chased her out into the parking lot, pleading with her to hear him out, to let him explain further. She just ignored him, there was nothing to explain. Their relationship was built on a lie, and an awful one at that. It broke her heart to watch him crying on the bench as she waited for a ride. I guess he got what he wanted; she was hurting. She was feeling every intense emotion that wrecked a person; all the pain, the anger, and the heartbreak of being alone.

Beca was relieved when she saw the red car pull up, and hopped in without another look back. On their way back to campus Beca recounted to Chloe everything that had been going on between her and Jesse, and everything he had just told her. Chloe considered the story before speaking up, she wasn't sure Beca would understand or want to hear what she had to say.

"He didn't though?" Chloe spoke up.

"Didn't what?" Beca raised an eyebrow.

"He didn't break up with you, he didn't hurt you. Obviously hearing all that sucked, but he didn't follow through. He changed his mind, probably a while ago. I would imagine the guilt has been eating away at him. That would explain his behaviour lately," Chloe reasoned.

"Really Chloe, you're taking his side?"

"I'm not taking sides," the red head confirmed, "I'm just saying he may have had bad intentions when he met you, but you changed his mind. You showed him that not everybody is awful like those people that bullied him. You showed him love Beca, and I know he showed you the same. I mean did he ever do anything to hurt you, or make you think he wanted to do anything other than hug and kiss you and cuddle you until the end of time?" Chloe was now starting to get mushy.

"No."

"No he didn't. Just try and imagine how much he's been through Beca. I'm not saying his line of thinking was right, it wasn't, but just think about where those thoughts were coming from okay."

Jesse's original plan still made Beca's stomach turn, but Chloe was right, he didn't go through with it. He realized that it was wrong, and along the way he fell for her and she fell right back. If she really thought about it she didn't want to throw away everything she had with Jesse. She loved him and she wanted to be with him. At the very least, she needed to hear him out further.

Beca had Chloe drop her off in front of Jesse's residence building instead of her own. She knocked on the door and was disappointed when Benji answered.

"He's…" the curly haired Treble started, but Beca interrupted him.

"I know. Do you mind if I wait for him here?"

"Sure."

Beca sat on Jesse's bed, beginning to worry when he didn't show up after another ten minutes. She was about to dial his number when she heard keys in the door, he was back. She smiled when he walked in holding a bouquet of flowers; lilies, her favourite. He looked more than a little puzzled but happy to see her stretched out across his bed.

"Beca, you're here. I was just going to grab something from my desk and try your dorm room. I want to uh…bring you these," he admitted, holding out the flowers.

Beca took them and smiled back at her boyfriend, sitting up on the edge of the bed again.

"I'm really and truly sorry Beca. It's beyond awful and my guilt has been eating away at me for weeks now. Ever since I realized that I love you. I just couldn't focus on you because I couldn't believe what I was going to do."

"But you didn't."

"I didn't, I couldn't ever hurt you like that. I'm so sorry for even thinking it though."

"Apology accepted. I'm upset that you ever thought that it was okay to do that to someone, and that you planned to do that to me, but I understand where it came from. You obviously went through some awful stuff when you were younger. Next time though, can you talk to someone who cares about you instead? I think your adoring girlfriend might be willing to listen. I hear she wants you to open up to her."

"I still have a girlfriend then?" Jesse asked.

Beca stood up and made her way over to where Jesse was still standing, wrapping her arms around his neck. "One who loves you very much," she confirmed.

"I love you very much too," Jesse countered, kissing her firmly on the lips.

"If I say I love you both very much too will you quit making out and come play XBOX with me?" Benji interrupted.

"I am totally going to kick both of your asses," Beca stuck out her tongue, grabbing a controller and hopping onto Benji's bed.

Video games and a fight over whether popcorn or chips were better; this was their frequent school night routine when they weren't all swamped with course work or rehearsals. It was nice to be back to their normal routine; Jesse had been out of sorts for weeks. She hoped that with everything out in the open now Jesse would feel comfortable opening up to her, letting her in. She wanted to know everything she could about her. It had upset her to learn about why he first asked her out, but in the end she was glad he had. Maybe he just needed her to show him that there were good people in the world. Either way she loved him, and as Beca had learned just recently herself, sometimes you need to make mistakes to learn from them.


End file.
